so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
