When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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