Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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