Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
