Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
