He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
