I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
