ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
