hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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