so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
