Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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