i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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