How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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