I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
