I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
