I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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