Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
