Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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