I just saw a hot homeless man
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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