Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
did i just pee glitter
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize