i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
