If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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