I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
