dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
