Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
