Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
