That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
