I just cut my nipple shaving
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
