He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize