and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
