I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
