I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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