hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
