Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
jump out the window naked night went bad
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize