nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
