i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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