Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Randomize