there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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