Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
