I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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