so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
