Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
