Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
