He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
