I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
