the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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