We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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