i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
