I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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