i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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