So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
