I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
