I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
