Porn is love you can see.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
