mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
