Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
