I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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