I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
