i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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