I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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