we have officially lost it.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize