that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
