I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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